203 things you are not allowed to do in the Imperial Guard

Original thread: http://forum.rpg.net/archive/index.php/t-209875.html

I found these funny so I decided to put them up here in an abridged and editted form, the intro is all mine. All respect to those who made it. Feel the Heresy.

Inquisitorial report -J898998L339
Concerning: Redacted Regiment of Planet Redacted
Stationed: Redacted
Lord Inquisitor Redacted
I have finished the inquest of the Imperial Guardsmen that you asked me to do.
I found little evidence of true corruption and all of these examples listed below should be taken less than literally, they are just troopers letting off steam and barely any of these events actually happened, they were just spoken about.
Despite the charges that could be brought about for speaking them I ask that they be ignored, planet Redacted is a bad warzone and these troopers should be applauded for staying alive so long and denying the enemy that which is rightfully the Imperiums.
Take this list lightheartedly if possible.
Ave Imperator
Inquisitor Redacted
Ordo Redacted
P.S: In their defence, Commissar Janessa is quite Redacted. I would Redacted that.

203 things that should not be don in the Imperial Guard

1 – Do not fire your lasgun at a Space Marine and Cogboy allies to illustrate its lack of stopping power.
2 – The officer’s mess is not to be used as a Grox latrine.
3 – The Space Marines would prefer not to be greeted with a rousing chorus of “If I Only Had a Brain”
4 – The Commissar is not and never has been a “Comfort Woman” for the forces of chaos.
5 – The Commissar’s Rosarius is not a “Sparkly”.
6 – The icons of the most holy and righteous Emperor shall not be referred to as “The goofy lookin’ dead guy”.
7 – It is not acceptable to invite the Eldar invaders to briefings.
8 – Don’t tell the recruits that the Eldar invaders are just looking for a good time.
9 – Commissar Janessa’s com channel shall not be posted in latrines nor on shells to be fired at the Eldar invaders.
10 – Commissar Janessa didn’t make the Space Marine Captain forget the Emperor for any length of time, nor was he crying the Emperor’s name in her tent.
11. Even if he was.
12 – The laminated cylindrical metal container rations aren’t made of remains of our last batch of recruits.
13 – Plasma guns are not to be used to unplug the hygenic ceramic biowaste disposal systems.
14 – Dark Angels marines are not all named “Giggles”.
15 – Civilians are not to be referred to as “Tyranid Take Out”.
16 – The Inquistitor does not have a “comfy chair in his tent”
17 – The Enginseer’s servitor’s are not to be given stimulants.
18 – Nor are the wires portruding from their heads “the source of their erectile disfunction”.
19 – Commissar Janessa doesn’t need to help the servitors with their ‘problem".
20 – Nor will finding them in her tent convince her to.
21 – The Imperial Guard is trying to recruit more women but they are not all joining the Sisters of Battle as soon as the draft notification arrives for some odd reason. Stop spreading rumours.
22 – Stop asking where the squats went.
23 – No playing "What’s in my pocket?" with the ratlings.
24 – Laundry-Private Phelps will stop putting the CO’s underwear in with the red items.
25 – No dressing in women’s clothing.
26 – Not even for Corporal Lewis’s weekly “Adeptas Sororitas revue”.
27 – Whoever giggles at the phrase “Penal Company” during the Regimental Briefings will be harshly punished.
28 – There will be no more cracks about the Stormtrooper Platoon and “operations in the rear”.
29 – No more cracks about the term “Hardened Veterans”, either.
30 – The Admiral of the accompanying Battlefleet will NOT be greeted with calls of “‘Ey Sailor, Lookin’ Fer A Good Time?”
31 – “Screw You Guys, I’m Going Home” is not considered an inspiring battle cry.
32 – Tyranids are not pets.
33 – The Basilisks are not to be used to fire bean-bags at protesters.
34 – Even if they are being rude.
35 – You are not to play “Battle Bots” with two Sentinels.
36 – Lasguns are not to be used for weeny roasts, to make S’mores, boil water, to start camp fires ect ect.
37 – Ogryns are not Orks.
38 – It is not acceptable to program Servitors to say “Ahlll be Back.” “Your clothes – give them to me, now.” “Hasta la vista, baby.” and “Sarah Connor?” and dress them in a leather jacket.
39A – The Lord Commissar is not a Witch and he will not be reported to the Witch Hunters as such.
39B – Do not attempt burn the Lord Commissar as a Witch.
40 – It is not smart to dare the crew of a Land Speeder to jump over the Barracks.
41 – Even if it would look really cool.
42 – Do not try to get the Sisters of Battle to produce a porno.
43 – No-one is to give plasmaguns to Ogryns. Especially not if they tell the Ogryns that they’re officers now, and that’s why they’re being given plasma pistols.
44 – The name of the current campaign is not “Operation We’re All Gonna Die”.
45 – No more ‘Eye Spy’ on long trips. Cheating has gotten out of hand.
46 – Adressing Commissar Janessa as “Mistress” and requesting “summary discipline” is not funny.
47 – Third Platoon, Fifth Infantry Company will cease retrofitting its flamers to distil spirits.
48 – Not allowed to replace 4th Platoon’s lasguns with supersoakers. Even if they are more effective.
49 – Not to replace Imperial speeches broadcast from loudspeaker with porn soundtrack.
50 – Not allowed to report your Sergeant as a psychic for knowing about above offences.
51 – “Termy Tiping” is not a sport.
52 – Dark Eldar are not all named “Drizzt Do’Urden”
53 – No matter what Commissar Salvatore says.
54 – Do not taunt the Dreadnoughts with food.
55 – Dreadnoughts are not Big O’s.
56 – The Terminators are not Gundam.
57 – Tau XV8 Crisis Battlesuits are not Evangelions.
58 – Do not sign the Commissar up to “Slaanesh Daemonettes gone wild” even if it is just $9.95 a Vid-Disk.
59 – “Meat Shields, ATTACK!” Is not a proper battle cry.
60 – Leman Russ’s are not to be used to Reenact Ancient Terran WWI battles.
61 – Nobody appreciates a music critic, least of all the Noise Marines of Chaos. I think we’d all be happier if you just cut it out.
62 – Nor could they be playing the Emperor’s Palace on Earth in three months time with a little of your helpful guidance.
63 – It makes perfect sense that we’re fighting a different enemy every week. This is a damned important desert planet with limited resources and the front is very fluid.
64 – Vox casters are not to be used to anounce when Commissar Janessa enters the showers.
65 – Nor are holorecorders needed in the Adepta Sororitas showers for the sake of security.
66 – Ork Warboss Ghazkhul has specifically requested that you stop claiming to be “Rick Jones” and saying he’d never smash his buddy “Rick”. As with the Noise Marines it is the general consenseus of the Command Staff that we’d all be happier if you stopped.
67 – It isn’t at all funny that the Commissar’s las pistol isn’t powerful enough to kill you, asshole.
68 – Nor was it funny when she burned her left hand off trying to discipline you with a plasma pistol
69 – Giving the enemy your plasma weapon is not the easiest way to kill them.
70 – Multi-meltas don’t have a chewy nougut centre.
71 – It is completely unacceptable to set fire to the officer’s mess and claim you were just burning the heretics.
72 – Moans of pleasure are not an appropriate response to a flogging by the commissar.
73 – The fact that Slaanesh isn’t kinky enough to entice you is not proof of purity.
74 – It’s not the lasgun, it’s your substandard marksmanship.
75 – Your pants aren’t a suitable location for an extended recon.
76 – You aren’t hiding a Defiler in your pants.
77 – A Cannoness isn’t an artillery piece shaped like a vagina.
78 – The tyranids never used a subrace known as Zoats as ambassadors. Tyranid diplomats? Where do you get this shit?
79 – Tau diplomats are not Jehovahs Witnesses, the JW’s have better art in their tracts.
80 – Tau porn is forbidden on all Imperial bases. Yes, even if it does explain why they’re all so subservient to the Etherials.
81 – The Death Korp of Krieg are not Waffen SS Tankers.
82 – The Bombards will not be used to shoot small children in to a net for $5 a ride.
83 – The Baneblade tanks are not to be rented out as 6 family apartment complexes.
84 – Filming “Pimp My Rhino” is not allowed.
85- It is forbidden to headbang to Noise Marine rock music, no matter how tough the lead guitarist sounds.
86 – Genestealers did not take your pants,
87 – You may not use weapons looted from fallen orks, heretics or anyone else that has a gun that can hurt things larger than a snotling.
88 – Adeptas Soritas midgits are not named “Gretchen”.
89 – Do not feed the Tyranids.
90 – Do not yell “Have fun storming the castle!” to the orks attacking the Imperator Titan.
91 – Do not startle the Commissar of the Penal Troops.
92 – Do noy remove the batteries from said Commissars detonator either.
93 – I am not to speak on behalf of my platoon.
94 – Especially with the opening line “We, the acceptable losses, salute you.”
95 – “For the Glory of the Emperor” is an acceptable battle cry, as is “For the Honor of the Emperor”. However, “For the Amusement of the Emperor” is not.
96 – I am not to read from the dictionary in the presence of Arco-Flaggellants in the hopes of discovering their trigger word.
97 – Eldar didn’t used to be friendlier.
98 – There were never ANY SUCH THING as Harlequins.
99 – I don’t know where you guys got it from, but 19th Mechanised Company’s battlecry of “I’M RICK JAMES BITCH” is to be discontinued AT ONCE.
100 – Plasma weapon malfunctions did not just suddenly increase up to +100%. This is lies and it is harming the morale of the troops and belittles the contribution of the maintainance depot.
101 – You are no longer allowed to fire your weapons while charging.
102 – Shotguns didn’t just become “worthless”.
103 – The Orks’ colour scheme has always been what it is now. They are not trying to “trick” us.
104 – Our loyal and honorable members of the Adeptes Astartes are to be referred to as Space Marines, not “Spam in a Can”.
105 – It is not polite to look for the magic button on the Space Marines armor that will make it pop off.
106 – If you do see the button while NOT looking for it, it is even more impolite to press it.
107 – ESPECIALLY before they storm the enemy line.
108 – Just because your honored ancestor was a Space Wolf, that does not give permission to wear a helmet modified to carry two beers, and wolf furs are NOT standard equipment for Guardsmen.
109 – Further distubution of material from WychBytches.com is to be restricted to Commissarial level and above.
110 – And no, it’s not because they are hogging the good stuff.
111 – No more making fun of the odd physical malformations of the Catachans. They just work out a little too much, that’s all.
112 – Stop demanding a special committee be held to try and root out steroid abuse among the Catachans. It has already been established that there is no such thing.
113 – I’m not allowed to join a Chaos cult.
114 – A power fist is not a sexual aid.
115 – “Spam for the Spam god!” is not an acceptable battlecry.
116 – When Commissar Janessa comes into the tent to offer the daily prayer, greeting her by singing “Don’t turn around, woah-oh, cuz Der Komissar’s in town, woah-oh!” Is NOT Imperial Guard standard policy.
117 – Lt. Bradley is not a neither a “Flamer of Tzeentch” nor a “heavy flamer”.
118 – There is no such thing as a Martini Earthshaker.
119 – I do not belong to the Legion of the Damned.
120 – My dad is not a High Lord of Terra.
121 – I should not offer sexual favours of cyber mastiffs to Space Wolves. Even if they are interested.
122 – Dark Angels are NOT a Chaos cult.
123 – Our Most Glorious Emperor is not kept alive just so Emperor’s Children don’t inherit the throne.
124 – Salamanders are not to be taught to fetch.
125 – I do not have relatives among Orks.
126 – I may not smash any diamond that belongs to the Commander’s wife, even if I am sure that a demon is residing in it.
127 – I am not an undercover Inquisitor.
128 – Even if I have a two-headed eagle in my pocket.
129 – Crimson Fists coud find sexual partners if they wanted to.
130 – Salamanders are not to be skinned.
131 – Eldar Ambassadors are not interested in examining my rectum or using it to any other end.
132 – Even if they are dressed the way they are.
133 – Salamanders are not be cooked either.
134 – Testing Space Marines detox implants is not a good idea. Even if they work.
135 – There are no Night Lords out to get me while I’m supposed to take the trash out.
136 – I may not keep lizardmen pets even if Tau can.
137 – Uzoma are no Chapter’s Librarians.
138 – I should not program servo skulls to record what’s going on in Commissar Janessa’s room.
139 – I should not try to repair cyber drones, even though riding them would be cool.
140 – I shall not shave Space Wolves.
141 – Or their pelts.
142 – Tau are not cute and crunchy.
143 – I shall not recruit suicide bombers to replace our regiment even though they would do more damage and earn their salvation in process.
145 – I am not authorized to order an exterminus.
146 -Sounding the Klaxons during the Space Marine prayers to “test them” is not allowed.
147 – Not even if I think I saw a demon.
148 – No questioning why everything moves at the same speed.
149 – The Machine God’s name is not Microsoft.
150 – I am not allowed to give press releases to the public about ANYTHING.
151 – The current Chapter Master of the Ultramarines is not named “Bickus Dickus”
152 – Commissar Janessa is not and never has been attached to any “Rough Rider” unit.
153 – Commissar Janessa is not interested in joining a “Rough Rider” unit, especially not yours.
154 – Melta Weapons are not to be used for roasting Marshmellows.
155 – Nor are they to be used as Hair Dryers.
156 – The Chaos Legions are heretics against the Order of Man. They are not “the only Space Marines without sticks up their asses”.
157 – It is wrong to tell new Imperial Guard recruits that the Lost and the Damned offer better health benefits.
158 – Even if it is true.
159 – Eldar captives are to be interrogated for information relating to our current conflict. Not for the location of their pot o’ gold.
160 – When negotiating the end of the current conflict, it is inappropriate to offer the Eldar ambassadors firewater and bogus treaties.
161 – The current conflict is NOT a Humie Waagh.
162 – There is no such thing as a Humie Waagh
163 – I am not the warboss of the Humie Waagh.
164 – The Dark Eldar are not emo.
165 – Trading poetry with Dark Eldar captives is wrong.
166 – As is asking to be put on their LJ friends’ lists.
167 – Necrons do NOT have a switch that can set them to “funk”.
168 – Nor do servitors.
169 – Or arco-flaggelants.
170 – The Ordo Xenos has published perfectly acceptable manuals on dealing with the Tyranid threat. “Kill it and Grill it” is not “the only text on the subject we need”.
171 – Never, ever shout ‘SNAKES!’ in the valkerie or any other transport aircraft unless there actually are.
172 – Tyranids aren’t just poor rip-offs of an Ancient Terran vid-reel.
173 – Don’t fire at the vid-screens again, the Cogboys are getting tired of replacing them.
174 – Canned rations are not made of grox dung and ashes.
175 – Even if your mom did regularly cook with them.
176 – There’s no significance in all Ratlings being named “Bilbo,” “Frodo” or “Sam”. At all. Stop asking.
177 – Rippers are not to be kept as pets.
178 – Even if they followed you back to camp.
179 – The Basilisk is not to be loaded with EZ Cheese.
180 – Nor is it to be loaded with candy.
181 – “Borrowing” the Sanctioned Psyker’s Emperor’s Tarot for a pick up game of Cadian Hold’em is strictly prohibated.
182 – Taunting the Astartes by dropping your pants and yelling “HA! Mine still work!” is also strictly prohibited (See reference file Theta34812-M41.582b regarding the “Pvt. Deze’s Nuts Incident”)
183 – The Imperial Confessor didn’t put poison in the Koolaid.
184 – No mention is to be made of the Noise Marines who left your biovak because they were offended by the level of debauchery.
185 – Imperial Assassins aren’t gimp suited subs.
186 – Vindicare Assasins don’t suffer from penis envy.
187 – Not allowed to say “Everything I say is a lie” to a machine spirit.
189 – I am not to gather ancient historical records simply to prove that human weapons 40,000 years ago had an effective killing range dozens of times greater than even our most cutting edge weapons of today.
190 – Nor am I to suggest that this is evidence of some “overcompensation conspiracy” by the officers to let them carry big phallic swords into battle without looking like ineffectual idiots.
191 – The correct phrasing of the marching mantra is not “This is my projectile weapon, this is my gun, this is to fail to do anything the overwhelming majority of the time and this is for fun”.
192 – It is not okay to put a lift kit on the Commissar’s Chimera.
193 – It is even less okay to put one of those hip-hop style bouncing hydraulic kits on his Chimera.
194 – While many Guardsmen call their lasguns “flashlights”, it is ill-advised to use one to search around the barracks for food at night. The damages will be deducted from your paycheck.
195 – You shall not respond to any officer with “That’s a fact, Jack!”
196 – The Supply and Logistics people have confirmed that IG squads have only ever been eight Guardsmen. This rumor you are spreadng about 30-man units is false and needs to be stopped.
197 – There is no significance to the lack of helmets amongst our Officers and Commissars. Please stop trying to call enemy snipers’ attention to the fact.
198 – Female psykers may be “cute” but you are prohibited from playing strip poker with them. For many reasons.
199 -The Governor of a hive-world is not to be addressed as “Queen Bee”.
200 – Forgeworlds are not to be referred to as “Great Big Whup-Ass Factories”.
201 – Imperial Guardsmen do not have better health benefits, and it is wrong of me to tell new recruits that they do.
202 – Please do not challenge the Space Marines to boxing matches. They never end well for you and are forbidden.
203 – Due to the high level of destruction and deaths, Manticore missle surfing is strictly forbiden. Anyone caught assisting or performing this stunt will be punished.

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203 things you are not allowed to do in the Imperial Guard

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